Life has been....

Only if I knew where to begin. A month ago I was writting a 25 page autobiography for my class and had no idea how to approach it, what to share, what not to share. As I was writing it, there was lots I was not comfortable sharing, mainly because I didn't feel like my professor needed to know intimate details of my life, and I am not talking s*x here...plus, if you know me well, you know that I have not issues talking about s*x...I love it...with the select few, very few since 2008...anyways, if I were to write my autobiography on here, there wouldn't be enough space. But that assignment was the last I worked on for the rest of this year.

My job hunting has been tough, for the first time in my life, even last year in the bad economy I got the first job I interviewed for. This process has gotten even harder following my car accident. Stupid head on collision with a 17 year old kid in an SUV, I am sure his parents are very excited that their insurance will probably sky rocket. Well, 17 year olds should not be driving. Sorry. I stand by 18...but that is the leftover European in me. I started to walk pain free last week, however sitting still sets off spasms and lower back pain so no full time office job for me. At least I am down to needing therapy only twice a week. That is quite an improvement. In the last week I was apporached by two cosmetic companies to freelance for them so for now I have at least few days a month to do something and there is no sitting involved.

For about the entire time following the accident I got depressed. Something I didn't think would happen again in a while. 1st time, it was when we moved to the US and I didn't know anyone, not even the language, really. 2nd time, it was during my divorce process. 4 years later, it hit me again. I think a huge part of it is that I have become so addicted to being active, working out 6 days a week, following a schedule, having income, being busy, and here I was, on bed rest, alone all day. Just completely feeling like sh*t, starting to ask myself if I should even stay here. Being a 4.0 student means nothing at this point, however I must admit that I like to hear my mom say how proud she is I have done so well in grad school. That is beautiful to hear. But I have not been dependent on anyone in so many years, the thought of asking my mother to pay any bills for me makes me ill. In the meantime, I am on medical leave from school and I am working on my preventive program idea. Also, we will be moving to Lakeway to live with Joe, the most loving partner my mom has ever had and someone who treats me like his own daughter...a relationship I never had and I am so thankful Joe is a part of our lives. Nobody has ever believed in me this much and helped me see my potential. Joe has helped me think about what I truly need and want from a career. I am a problem solver, I think strategically, do have the need to control, manage, be busy,and have the flexibility to travel. The past few years I have really gone through a transformation. I still have the same expectations from relationships, I still want 2-3 kids, but my expectations of myself and what I am able to achieve have changed a lot. Chris never pushed me to do anything, I got way too comfortable around him although he helped me love myself more; Scott, on the other hand, got me back to school and his high expectations of me increased my own. That is something I will always thank him for. But it was Joe who has really listened, observed and took the time to brainstorm with me to have a solid plan, a path, that will not have limits to growth. Yes, that is something that will keep me going. I don't think I have an attention problem but there is something about me that causes me to get bored too quickly...I feel like the only time my brain stops is when I finally fall asleep.